


A Lesson Learned

by LoxleyAndBagell



Series: The Ballad of Hoss [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Friendship, bitty's vlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 16:48:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5709760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoxleyAndBagell/pseuds/LoxleyAndBagell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Screen-Bitty was pointing aggressively at the screen, eyes wild, and snarling, “All right, future-me, you’re not deleting this one, I don’t care how you justify this one, cousin Graham said it was a valid question, and Addie gave her blessing, so no backing out, you peach-fed little chicken.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Lesson Learned

Lardo had been eyeing Bitty funny all day.

 

At first, Bitty was concerned for his appearance; was something in his teeth? Was his hair standing funny? Good gracious, was his underwear visible? _Was something worse than his underwear visible??_

Quickly, several flaws in these theories showed themselves:

 

  * Any kind of leafy green vegetable under the sun hadn’t been seen in the Haus since… probably its construction
  * Bitty was wearing the beanie Johnson had mailed him as a belated New Year’s gift
  * Bitty was currently draped in the Ugly Winter Sweater that fell to his knees in honor of the First Annual New Year’s Non-Denominational Fugly Winter Sweater Pageant (thank you, Shitty, and your pre-quarter-life crisis).



 

With that conundrum settled, he considered all the other motivations for Lardo to be examining him so intensely from afar. Perhaps, he wondered, he should feel like a small creature of prey under such circumstances?

 

It wasn’t until Lardo was muscling her way over to him, slinging an arm over his shoulders and guiding him to a quieter spot, he felt her softly shaking and could better interpret the twist of her mouth as a suppressed smile.

 

He had been right before; she was _laughing_ at him.

 

“No, no, Bitty,” she assured him, giggling, once they had slipped away to Bitty’s quiet room. “It’s just,” she explained, fishing for her phone and looking something up, “I hope you won’t be angry, but, well, I found something pretty interesting on youtube, and…”

 

She gave up trying to justify herself (which was a relief to Bitty) and showed him her phone screen as the loading video filled up the screen, turning it black.

 

Bitty jolted as the video finishes loading, and his own voice blasted from the tiny speakers.

 

The Bitty on the screen was approximately seventeen, dressed in disheveled dress-clothes, light-grey shirtsleeves rolled up and darker under his armpits and a peach-colored bowtie hanging undone around his neck.

 

Screen-Bitty was pointing aggressively at the screen, eyes wild, and snarling, “All right, future-me, you’re _not_ deleting this one, I don’t care how you justify this one, cousin Graham said it was a valid question, and Addie gave her blessing, so no backing out, you peach-fed little chicken.”

 

Lardo snorted at that. Bitty’s hands flew to cover his mouth in shame, too horrified to look away.

 

Screen-Bitty continued. “Okay. So, my cousin Graham got married today, and I was as much of a groomsman as I could be without actually hanging out with the rest of the groomsmen for their… groomsmanny… things. But! But I did offer input on the color palette—they were initially considering orange and glitter-gold, I did a service to _God and my fellow man--_ and I did get to go to the rehearsal dinner, and stand there, and get a matching little uniform along with the rest of the party. Said party included my other cousin Billy, Addie’s brother Brand, and…”

 

Here, Screen-Bitty exhaled through his nostrils angrily and, in a voice that dripped venom like honey from a comb, said, _“the dog.”_

Bitty squeaked out a curse as the screen shook with Lardo’s giddy, suppressed laughter.

 

Screen-Bitty was not yet done. “Not only was the dog involved in the same wedding party as I was, the dog _outranked me._ The dog was their Best Man _and_ Maid of Honor. Well. Dog of Honor, on both ends. But!” he held up a finger, “but! The dog _outranked_ me, Graham’s own Flesh and Blood, in this momentous occasion.”

 

“Were you spiteful, Bitty?” Lardo asked the screen.

 

“So maybe I was spiteful,” said Screen-Bitty, “and maybe it was foolish to ask, but I did ask Graham and Addie about this… decision, and Graham’s defense was this: ‘plenty of people do it!’ he tells me! Who, I ask him, on God’s Green Earth, has their _dog_ outrank their _Flesh and Blood on their wedding day?_

“Graham did give me a little list of his married friends who had done just that, and friends, I do want you to pay attention to this pattern: Brewer and Raquel. Charles and Bernadette. Ramsey and Simone.

 

“Have you found the pattern, dear viewers? I’ll give you a moment.”

 

Bitty hissed to Lardo, “please forgive me what was said in rage.”

 

“Shush,” Lardo scolded, “I’m considering the pattern.”

 

After a second, she intoned with Screen-Bitty, solemn as church, _“The Straights.”_

Bitty made a sound like a deflating balloon, and pulled his beanie down over his face in shame. Thankfully, Lardo turned the video off as she hooted with laughter.

 

She threw her arms around him, assuring him that “I didn’t show anyone else, it was completely on accident, I swear. I totally marathoned your channel, by the way. This one was my favorite. Thanks for not deleting it.”

 

“Oh lord,” Bitty squeaked.

 

“For the breakdown, _and_ the naked-cake decorating tutorial after. I introduced it to my family over break, and they loved it.”

 

At his wordless, sonic-high shriek, she amended, “they only saw my take on the tutorial, not your video. Don’t worry.”

 

He relaxed minutely as she patted his back. “Well. I. I’m very glad to hear you’ve been enjoying the recipe bits. If you have any ideas, I’d absolutely love to hear them, I’ve been thinking about maybe doing a duo-baking video, or learning something from someone else—“

 

“Also, my aunt is getting re-married and I encouraged her to include her dog in the wedding after watching the video.”

 

 

 

Back in the living room, the party jolted in shock as the foundations of the Haus shook with Bitty’s voice tragically wailing, _“How could you betray me like this?”_

**Author's Note:**

> "Learn a lesson from your dog-- no matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that shit and move on." -- unknown.


End file.
